A Time of Thanksgiving

I have a thousand things I'd like to write about. I've missed writing. It seems like finding enough quiet time for my brain to actually start thinking (as opposed to sorting out what just happened, what's about to happen, what should be happening, etc) is more difficult than ever. But, here I am. I've had about 15 minutes to decompress and review some notes I've made in my journal, and I'm just going to write.

The seasons are changing. This coming winter is exciting and dreadful all at the same time. I'm not who I was last winter. It makes everything a little more fun. Will I be more plugged in to my kids? Will I enjoy snow again instead of dread all the work it takes to go outside and play? Will this be a year of living in the moment? I hope so.

I am learning over and over again that the season of having small children is a fleeting thing. It's never stationary. That's one of the blessings and curses of life with little kids. But in reflecting on my life this past year I have learned some big lessons:

1. I am a mom. Yes, that might seem like a given, but it's news to me. You see, these past six years I've been trying to continue to operate as if I had no children. But I do. In fact, I have three. Three kids under 6. Yikes! No wonder attempting to live as though I had no kids was starting to literally kill parts of me... the parts you need most as you raise kids! Joy, laughter, love, self-control... in fact, ALL the fruits of the spirit were disappearing from my life! But no more. Although the fact is still soaking into the depths of my being and I haven't fully grasped it's reality, at least it's there - I am a mother. And a mother I will always be.

2. Piggybacking on my first lesson is this - I don't have to fight against being a mother! "Fulfilling myself" and "serving God's people" and all the other million goals and desires I have for my life can be successfully found while mothering! Crazy, huh?! All this time I have been bucking this idea. I had the thought that I needed to be all things in order to be happy... a mother, yes. But also an artist, a massage therapist, a successful business woman, a writer, a singer, a great cook, a prepper, a gardener, a canner, a homesteader, and of course somewhere in there needs to be a child of God, a good wife, a good daughter, sister, aunt, friend, daughter-in-law, neighbor, acquaintance... All I was shooting for was perfection. Is that too much to ask?! Man, housecleaning didn't even make it onto that list. :) But now that I have realized that I am a mother, and that is my God-given purpose in this life, I can pick and choose these other things as I desire. I am no longer a slave to societies pressures to do it all because it's expected of me. All that is expected of me is to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with my God. To love God with all my heart, soul and mind and to love my neighbor as myself. And in doing those things, mothering will blossom. Even if HannahBeth never plucks a fresh egg from under our own chicken or learns how to can her own homegrown tomatoes, I can teach her the depth and width and height of God's love for her! And in so doing, I can let it sink into my heart to. Just as I am. And as I learn what God's grace and mercy and love look like, I can grow so much more effectively into who He desires for me to be! Yes, I don't have to fight being a mother.

3. This is much less deep, but also so important. Elijah DOES have food allergies. And when we are careful about what he and I eat it makes all the difference. Life is bearable when he only wakes up once or twice a night as he should instead of every hour. Oh what a blessing that knowledge is. How thankful I am that I leapt off that cliff and accepted that, as his mom, it was my responsibility to take the hard road and figure out what was making my baby behave so strangely.

I have so many more lessons to learn. How do I pick my battles when the world around me is so far from what God intended for us? How do I find time to foster those things that we do decide on as priorities? What can I do to help my family be successful in the important things in 2, 5, 10, 20 years?

So many more places to go. So much more growth to do. One thing at a time, self. And most important, thank you to my heavenly Father and Brother who are my biggest cheerleaders. Now THAT'S a strange mental picture, eh? :) But I know They have been there with me all the way, and I know They aren't going anywhere anytime soon.

On to another day of life more abundant!

You can do this.

Ok self-
I see you struggling to hold on to self-control.





I hear baby screaming.
I see toddler needing you.
I feel the pressure of lunch time approaching.



And you are barely holding on - all you want to do is
     watch TV
          read e-mail
               escape into ANYTHING
                    other than this moment.

But this moment is what you were created for.

This moment is where God steps in and provides the strength you lack.

This moment will not be perfect,
                 but it has purpose.

You are hungry, tired, unshowered, dehydrated and sucked dry.
Yes, Love.
I see you.

But you can do this.

You CAN do this.

YOU CAN DO THIS!

Now go.
Do it.

 

{Sanctify Them} The Church

Hello all! Please forgive me, I don't have a lot of time... but I do have a little and I have a section of scripture that struck me today. Here's what I was reading... it's a chapter and a half of Haggai...

The Command to Rebuild the Temple​
In the second year of Darius the king, in the sixth month, on the first day of the month, the word of the Lord came by the hand of Haggai the prophet to Zerubbabel the son of Shealtiel, governor of Judah, and to Joshua the son of Jehozadak, the high priest: “Thus says the Lord of hosts: These people say the time has not yet come to rebuild the house of the Lord.” Then the word of the Lord came by the hand of Haggai the prophet, “Is it a time for you yourselves to dwell in your paneled houses, while this house lies in ruins? Now, therefore, thus says the Lord of hosts: Consider your ways. You have sown much, and harvested little. You eat, but you never have enough; you drink, but you never have your fill. You clothe yourselves, but no one is warm. And he who earns wages does so to put them into a bag with holes. “Thus says the Lord of hosts: Consider your ways. Go up to the hills and bring wood and build the house, that I may take pleasure in it and that I may be glorified, says the Lord. You looked for much, and behold, it came to little. And when you brought it home, I blew it away. Why? declares the Lord of hosts. Because of my house that lies in ruins, while each of you busies himself with his own house. Therefore the heavens above you have withheld the dew, and the earth has withheld its produce. And I have called for a drought on the land and the hills, on the grain, the new wine, the oil, on what the ground brings forth, on man and beast, and on all their labors.”  
The People Obey the Lord
Then Zerubbabel the son of Shealtiel, and Joshua the son of Jehozadak, the high priest, with all the remnant of the people, obeyed the voice of the Lord their God, and the words of Haggai the prophet, as the Lord their God had sent him. And the people feared the Lord. Then Haggai, the messenger of the Lord, spoke to the people with the Lord's message, “I am with you, declares the Lord.” And the Lord stirred up the spirit of Zerubbabel the son of Shealtiel, governor of Judah, and the spirit of Joshua the son of Jehozadak, the high priest, and the spirit of all the remnant of the people. And they came and worked on the house of the Lord of hosts, their God, on the twenty-fourth day of the month, in the sixth month, in the second year of Darius the king.
The Coming Glory of the Temple​
In the seventh month, on the twenty-first day of the month, the word of the Lord came by the hand of Haggai the prophet, “Speak now to Zerubbabel the son of Shealtiel, governor of Judah, and to Joshua the son of Jehozadak, the high priest, and to all the remnant of the people, and say, Who is left among you who saw this house in its former glory? How do you see it now? Is it not as nothing in your eyes? Yet now be strong, O Zerubbabel, declares the Lord. Be strong, O Joshua, son of Jehozadak, the high priest. Be strong, all you people of the land, declares the Lord. Work, for I am with you, declares the Lord of hosts, according to the covenant that I made with you when you came out of Egypt. My Spirit remains in your midst. Fear not. For thus says the Lord of hosts: Yet once more, in a little while, I will shake the heavens and the earth and the sea and the dry land. And I will shake all nations, so that the treasures of all nations shall come in, and I will fill this house with glory, says the Lord of hosts. The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, declares the Lord of hosts. The latter glory of this house shall be greater than the former, says the Lord of hosts. And in this place I will give peace, declares the Lord of Hosts
Hag 1:1 - 2:9

Here I see a progression that can easily be translated into our current day...

"The Command to Rebuild the Temple"
How can we continue to feather our own nests and grow our collections of 'stuff' while the agape love of God is largely missing from our congregations? Ok, that's not fair... most congregations might have agape for those in their congregation. And to a large part, church organizations also have a fair amount of built in love for all of it's members. But the AGAPE of GOD is sorely missing once the artificial walls of an organization are in place. And here we are, attempting to make our lives easier and better and neglecting the modern day literal temple of God.
"The People Obey the Lord"
"I am with you!" God renews His faith in us, and let's us know. Once we take the step of faith to rebuild those relationships that have been severed by pride and human brokenness, God works in amazing ways. Truly amazing ways.
"The Coming Glory of the Temple"
Only a month and a half from beginning to build, God comes back with more words of encouragement. If we try to bridge the gaps and rebuild His modern temple, it will still be in shambles. The glory of hundreds of thousands of people being of one accord isn't going to happen, even if all those in the splits did hold hands and sing "Kumbaya". BUT, the time is coming when the glory of this Church WILL outshine any glory that has come before. In His Kingdom. At His return. We will shine like Him and with Him as members truly of one accord... and the part that makes me tear up... "And in this place I will give peace, declares the Lord of Hosts."

Now that some time has settled the dust of the most recent split in my organization, we have found that any genuine reach of agape love to people who we deeply loved before has been met with a mutual desire to  share God's fruits and love, at least while we're in the same room. And let me tell you, it might not be the former glory of all being together every week... it might not even be calling or e-mailing or anything outside of the times we make the effort to go visit... but it's something. And those good and right and peaceful feelings of hugs and renewed speaking terms are worth more than I can say.

A peaceful day to all as we attempt the monumental task of rebuilding. Together.

"Oh the things we say..." - May 2014

DC: J is growing up so fast. He's even learning how to pronunciate things correctly.
AC: Yeah, and he's even learning how to pronounce things too.

AC: No, J, no more nuffins! (his word for "muffin")

*while my 1 year old was nursing and holding his sippy of water at the same time, he started wildly signing for water as he was drinking milk. He kept getting more and more upset as he continued to cuddle his sippy and sign for water while nursing on me and only getting milk.*
AC: E, only one thing comes out of what you're holding on to, and it ain't water. You're going to have to let go of this if you want that, you know what I'm sayin'?

Beautiful Spontaneity

Some of my most beautiful choices have been headlong leaps into the unknown.

Perhaps you haven't noticed before, but I tend to live by the seat of my pants. Yes, I am a planner. Yes, I love lists. Yes, I can organize and carry out fairly big projects. But I also work best under pressure. And when you don't have anyone giving you pressure anymore, you sort of have to make it yourself. And when you make it yourself, once in a while you realize just how impulsive you really are.

Looking back I can see some major times in my life when my impulsivity changed my very life course.

- When I chose to relocate permanently to Cincinnati barely days after returning home from school
- When I accepted my husbands proposal of marriage a mere 5 months after meeting him
- When he talked me into going to college to get my bachelors degree, and finished in 3 years
- When we decided to start having kids and I said I was all in! Let's stack 'em deep and sell 'em cheap.
- When I started this blog!

The consequences of the kid example are the most beautiful, funny, difficult, endearing, frustrating, lovable blessings in my life. And I'm only one shy of my goal of 4. Yet, now that I'm the mother of a blossoming 5 year old, a sensitive but hilarious 3 year old, and the most demanding, laid back paradox-of-a-1-year-old I've ever met, I've stepped back a little from my headlong ways to breath a bit. Or at least I thought I had.

You see, little 1 year old has shown signs of having food allergies for a while now. And so, after talking about it for a few weeks, I decided (pretty much overnight) to do it. Yep. I'm doing it. I'm all psyched up for it, the energy is there... let's make it happen.

I'm on day three of being a family free of the 8 big allergens - dairy, eggs, wheat, soy, peanuts, tree nuts, fish and shellfish. And I thought, why not! In for an ounce, in for a pound (that's what I always say!). Let's throw in gluten! So here we are, learning as we go. Stumbling through our diets and feeling hungry as I figure out what portions are appropriate when there's not a thick piece of bread or big bowl of pasta to go with our meals.

Oh homemade mac and cheese... how I could eat an enormous bowl of you right now. Preferably with a big slab of homemade garlic bread, a tall glass of milk, and a big portion of ice cream to top it off. :)

Here's to hoping this latest case of jumping off my own manmade cliff turns into yet another amazing, life-changing event that brings me more joy and energy to make other life-changing cliff jumps possible.

A Special People

I just read something that literally blew my mind. It stopped me in my mental tracks. My breath caught. I couldn't finish reading without pausing and considering the implications of the words I just took in.

I have been reading a book called Captivating by John and Staci Eldridge. So far it has been a good read. Lots of nuggets that make me stop and think... think about my childhood and parents, think about my parenting and how I'm affecting my children, and think about God and me and what He truly thinks of who I am.

On page 120, they ask the question, "What is it that God wants from you?" It's an amazing question to me. I asked that same question in an article titled "The Slow Tree" I wrote for our church publication. My answer in my article was, "God is your Father, you are His daughter. What does any father want from a daughter? For her to love him, to talk to him and to include him in her life. To take what he says seriously.” I came to that conclusion after months of inward battles and nights of crying and searching. It was a hard fought revelation in my life, and one that has helped this past year as I slowly continue to grow in grace and knowledge.

A few pages past that, the Eldridge's talk about how God views women, and specifically how women played a major role in Jesus' life...

"There was an event that took place in the life of Jesus that He said should be told whenever the Gospel is proclaimed around the world. It was when Mary of Bethany came an anointed Him with perfume, which cost a year's wages. It as an extravagant act of sacrificial worship, and the aroma of it filled the room. Jesus was profoundly moved by it. The men gathered there were indignant. It was a woman who did this for Christ. Just as it was also a woman who rushed into the Pharisee's house uninvited and washed Jesus' feet with her tears, dried them with her hair, and kissed them in an act of intimate, repentant worship." p.124

Now in and of itself, these two examples aren't that compelling. Yes, there were two women who did extraordinary things - breaking the mold of society in order to serve the Lord of All when it was in their power to do so - but they go on...

"It was women who followed Jesus from Galilee to care for His needs. It was women who stayed at the foot of the cross, offering Him the comfort of their presence until Jesus breathed His last (only John remained with them). It was to women that Jesus first revealed Himself after He rose from the dead, and it was women who first 'clasped His feet and worshiped Him' (Matt. 28:9) as the Risen, Victorious Lord." p.124

Wow. Women were intimately involved in every part of His ministry, and especially when times got hard. They were devoted. They were there. Not only were they there, but they were helpful to Jesus. Women attended to His needs. Women prepared the meals. But it was also women who offered Him comfort and support. They did not turn away from His pain. They stayed. They witnessed it. They smelled the smells and held their breath with Him. They experienced the gut wrenching sight of His agony. Their insides churned with helplessness. Their tears streamed down with His.

And you know what? I think that was really helpful to Jesus. He saw them. He knew they were there, and He loved them for it. Jesus loved those women. Those women gave Jesus the gift of love back.

The book goes on...

"Women hold a special place in the heart of God. A woman's worship brings Jesus immense pleasure and a deep ministry." p. 124-125

Here's where my breath caught...

"You can minister to the heart of God." p.125

What?!

I can minster to the heart of God?! That's CRAZY TALK! What can I possibly do to make God feel better or whole or refreshed? What can I possibly do to minister to God?!

My mind immediately started whirring... if people could lend support to Jesus when He was here, who says He doesn't still like it now? Or our Father? And even if it isn't technically needed, doesn't it feel good as a parent when your child comes up and takes your hand and says, "It's ok, Mommy. It'll be ok." Maybe it's not needed for a 5 year old to offer that help for the parent to know it's true... but somehow it's sweetness matters.

"You impact Him. You matter." p. 125

Me. I impact Him. I matter. Something inside me doesn't believe this is true. In fact, in reading this book I realized I believe that I am very replaceable in God's plan. God says He loves me and that He will fight for me, but He also says that if I am unwilling He can fulfill His plan by using rocks if needed. Somehow my heart holds on to the latter instead of the former. I find myself clinging to "He doesn't need me. He has thousands of other people who are doing His work. Who am I? I can choose to turn away right now and although it would be sad for those who love me, it wouldn't alter God's course." I know that's true but wow, that's a sad way to look at my life. This is something I want to change, something I need to change.

I am beautiful.
I am strong.
I am capable.
I am loved.
I am desired by the God of the universe.
I am me,
and I am His.

Help me believe it, Father. Whisper it to me when I forget the words. When I fall down. When I can't find my heart among the thorns of this life. When I turn to stone, help me remember and rest and become soft again. Help me believe I am special to You. Because if I am special to You, I can do anything.

NEW SERIES: "Oh the things we say..."

As everyone knows, kids say the funniest things.

I used to be really good about writing down all the funny things I hear and say, and I just remembered the joy I got out of reading those later on. It just occurred to me that I should write them down here. Both things I hear AND things I never thought I'd say. I hope to post it regularly.

This should be fun. :) Just for reference, H is 5, girl. J is 3, boy... I doubt E has much to say but he's 1... AC is me, the mom and DC is the dad. And a quick disclaimer... we've been sick. I mean REALLY sick most of the time I was recording these, so you may see a theme...


J: Oh boy! I'm so pescited! (instead of excited)


J: E, noooooo! EEEEEEEEEEE, NOOOOOOOOOOO! MOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM! E is taking my hat off my heaaaaaaad! (all the while clutching the "hat" to himself (his underwear))


AC: J, you need to tuck in your penis. You can't have things hanging out of your underwear all day.
J: I like it this way.
AC: Nevertheless, tuck it in.


DC: H, you're a big enough girl that if you feel sick in your tummy you need to run to the potty and throw up in the potty, ok?
H: Unless I had crutches.
DC: What?
H: If I had crutches I wouldn't be able to run. That would feel weird on my armpits.
DC: Ummm... right. I suppose I can't argue with that. But you don't have crutches, and you could be sick. So run.


J: Mom, can I frow up? (throw up)
AC: No, you're not sick anymore.
J: *actively making himself gag* Mom, I will frow up!
AC: Serious, it's much better to not throw up and be better than being allowed to throw up in a bowl. I promise.


H: Mom, can we go to the park?
AC: No, Sweetie. We don't have time for the park today.
H: Ok, what about the Children's Museum? (located over an hour away and would take a whole day)
*facepalm*


J: *In terrible off-key toddlerness* Wheeeeeen yoooou knooow theeee noooootes toooooo siiiiiing, yooooou caaan siiiing moooost anyyyyyfiiiing! TOGEVFER! (Repeat ad museum)


J: *Pointing to a blue car* Mom, it sounds like Thomas! It's blue like Thomas!
AC: Yes, it LOOKS like Thomas.


DC to AC: Look, it's a new day, the sun is shining, no one has thrown up yet, and only one of us has mildly pooped ourselves... and that was the baby! It's gonna be a GREAT day!


AC to DC: If sweat on the person cleaning is any indication of how clean a bathroom is, ours are now so sanitized I just might drink the toilet water if an EMP went off right now.

Oxen (and children) aren't clean...

Just a fun little post today...

I was reading in Proverbs and came across this:

"Where no oxen are, the trough is clean;
But much increase comes by the strength of an ox."
     -Proverbs 14:4

I just had to smile when I read it. I can't remember exactly where or how I came across that verse before, but I do remember making the correlation between it and having children. It could very easily be rewritten to reflect the messiness of my life at this moment...

"Where no children are, the house is clean;
But much increase comes with the growth of a child."

The older they get the more I believe that's true. So, I embrace today. I'm not ashamed of my messes anymore, and I'm going to live joyfully in them before my walls grow silent and my days start stretching out before me with fewer and fewer demands of me built into them.

 

(Yes, that is underwear on his head).

Someday my house won't ring with laughter (or crying, as the case may be).
Someday my house won't be overrun with shoes flung here and there.
Someday my bathroom jewelry will be safe from scavengers who are searching for treasure.
Someday my kitchen will be safe from scavengers who are searching for yet another snack.

 

Someday my arms will be full of different types of treasure... Activities and chores of my choosing...
...and lacking the fun, exuberant, lively load of different colors and sounds and ideas that little minds bring into your life day in and day out.

Where no children are, the house is clean.
But what's the fun in that?

Enjoying my little ones and all their goofiness today.

Life More Abundant - REVISED

This year is going to be a liberating year, and I'm so excited for it.

I have been a Facebookaholic for... I'm not sure how long. A long time. And I have been in the process of shutting it down for (yikes) two years.

This is it. I'm going to pull the plug.

I considered doing it before Passover as a deadline, but realized if I did that it would take up too much of that precious time that should be preparing my mind and heart and home instead. And so, I will sit on it for another week so my focus is right.

My focus this year has been attacked from all sides, it seems. Here I am the day before we take the Passover and I'm finally finding a peace and calm about doing that. For the past two weeks I have attempted to change my focus to preparing myself and in those two weeks I have not succeeded. Instead I have busied myself...

1. With external relationships (friends, get togethers)
2. Reading books! Books that are good, but not meat in due season.
3. Learning about other new, fascinating subjects (essential oils, anyone?)
4. Deleavening and meal planning and cooking and cleaning and laundry and only a smidge of Spring cleaning and organizing sprinkled in
5. Nurturing my self-pity for my current situations
6. Doing research to prove/disprove some assertions made by a friend who is struggling in the church

All but one of those things is good and helpful in it's time. Some are self-induced, some have been thrust on me. I have struggled with saying, "NO! Not right now." I want to do it all.

But in trying to do it all I have slipped farther and farther away from the goal of preparing myself, my heart and my deepest places to take part in the most amazing annual observance we have. Of all the seasons in my year, this is the one I want MUST get right.

No, not the lamb dinner... although I do want that to be scrumptious.
No, not the responses to my struggling friend... although I do want those to be edifying.
No, not even the physical deleavening of my home... although I do want it to be found acceptable.

Me.
My sin.
My struggle.
My vain existence.

I am finally looking back over this past year in the right way. I am seeing the beautiful things I've found and written and seen, and the painful things I've found and written and seen... I am viewing the fruits of this blog as I re-read The Tsunami of my Heart or even Life More Abundant (the newest post that this post is replacing) and I am thankful I have made that record, because without it those deep thoughts I had would be gone. The same as a man who sees himself in a mirror and immediately turns and forgets.

I don't want to forget.
Please, God, help me to not forget.

And help me to grow.

Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.
Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners shall be converted to You.
          Psalm 51:10-13

Help me to grow.

Life More Abundant

... so ...

I have let my blog get hijacked by my {Sanctify Them} series, which I am truly enjoying and glad I'm doing. But it's not the first desire of this blog.

I am a writer. A sharer... as I have already shared. :)

And I have something new to share.

Ok, it's not new. I'm pretty sure I've said it before.

I'm a Facebookaholic.

And I "quit" a long time ago. Ahem. Well, what I mean by that is... I unfriended 650 of my 700 friends and I no longer do anything or post anything that lets anyone know that I'm still on it.

Oh this hurts.

Yes, I kept it open. Because I have unfinished business. That part is true. I asked a group of women that I admire and respect for their email addresses and contact info so I could use them for support outside of Facebook, if the need arose. Well, I've never actually copied all of those addresses off and some people haven't responded to my request...

Two Passovers ago I identified Facebook as a problem in my life. Last Passover I reconfirmed the problem. This Passover, I'm finishing the job.

Because look, I just had a realization.

I have LOTS of amazing relationships. People who love me and help me in every way they possibly can. People who pray for me and do their best to support me from where they are. And I love each and every one of those people. Thank you for your love and support.

Here's what I realized... I don't need more people like that! You see, I have enough devoted people that range from 50-5,000 miles away from me. I have enough people moving farther away physically in my life. I have enough people who have their own families to worry about. What I need are people here. People I can see and touch. Someone I can call up to watch the kids when I just need a break. Someone I can turn to if I really need to go to the dentist to get that broken tooth fixed (yeah, it's been broken for a few months. Serious).

And can I find those people on Facebook?

No.

So watch out Facebook, you're days are numbered.

Can I find those people at the park?
YES!
Can I find them at the library?
YES!
Can I find them by going outside in my neighborhood?
YES!

Can I find them by sitting around here and trolling the few friends I still have on Facebook?

No.

Nope.

Come this May, I will have been in this town for two years. Two years. Let me tell you how many friends I have made in that time.

One. One very sweet older lady who is actually the wife of someone in our church. But alas, I had another baby and she hurt her back... I haven't seen her regularly in a very long time. Could I call her in a pinch? Nope. But does she love me? Yes. And so I add her to the ranks of people who love me but can't help.

I'm not trying to be bitter, and I'm not trying to be rude. But I'm lonely, and I need something to change... whether it's a new friend or a new level of contentment inside me. Whether it's someone moving closer instead of farther away or whether it's just going to take my getting outside every day.

I don't want my friends here to be just anybody.
And I'll trust God to make that happen.
But for now, I just need someone.
Someone I can at least start to build a level of trust with.
Someone my kids can be friends with.

Because I'm lonely. I think we're all lonely.
And because I want life more abundant.

And life more abundant needs friends!

4/12/2014 UPDATE: I just reread this along with Bible study and prayer. I would like to apologize for it - for it's rudeness and discrediting those who support me the most. I was writing from a hurt mind and heart. I've considered deleting this post, but that would only precipitate the view that no one makes mistakes, and that's just not true. So please see the next post for more.

{Sanctify Them} The Sabbath - Part 2

I hope you all will forgive me as I attempt a large study of the Bible in front of you. I hope it's helpful to someone else someday who is learning. I'm not great at this, and doing something so purposeful and large is daunting and difficult and feels overwhelming. But that's exactly why I want to take it on and chew it piece by piece… and at some point some conclusions will come to light instead of more questions. And so, here's part 2 of my Sabbath study.

Last time I looked into the Sabbath I had yet to find a command to stay in the house, or to go to church. I expect I'll find both of those things commanded eventually. I'm hoping to find more guidance on that particular aspect, but I'll be following the scriptures and seeing what they all say.

Exodus 16:22-30

On the sixth day they gathered twice as much bread, two omers each. And when all the leaders of the congregation came and told Moses, he said to them, "This is what the Lord has commanded: 'Tomorrow is a day of solemn rest, a holy Sabbath to the Lord; bake what you will bake and boil what you will boil, and all that is left over lay aside to be kept till the morning.'" So they laid it aside till the morning, as Moses commanded them, and it did not stink, and there were no worms in it. Moses said, "Eat it today, for today is a Sabbath to the Lord; today you will not find it in the field. Six days you shall gather it, but on the seventh day, which is a Sabbath, there will be none." On the seventh day some of the people went out to gather, but they found none. And the Lord said to Moses, "How long will you refuse to keep My commandments and My laws? See! The Lord has given you the Sabbath; therefore on the sixth day He gives you bread for two days. Remain each of you in his place; let no one go out of his place on the seventh day." So the people rested on the seventh day. 

Words and phrases that stand out to me: SOLEMN REST, BAKE AND BOIL, REMAIN EACH OF YOU IN HIS PLACE, LET NO ONE GO OUT OF HIS PLACE ON THE SEVENTH DAY

An interesting passage in light of my study… A very clear command to stay in your place (among other things - I know this is also widely used in the debates about cooking on the Sabbath). But is this command to stay in your place truly to stay in your home and not depart from it? Or is it to stay in your place as opposed to going out with the purpose of gathering manna (doing work or your own will/pleasure)?

Exodus 30:17

(I covered this wider section last time, but I want to bring out one word here)

"It is a sign forever between Me and the people of Israel that in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, and on the seventh day He rested and was refreshed."

This word "refreshed" intrigues me especially as a young mom. That is the desire of my heart to be refreshed, renewed every day. To not feel bedraggled and overrun and tired and unable to focus. Even God took time to be refreshed. This word is Strongs h5314 and means "to take breath, refresh oneself". It makes me think of all the times and places I have been told that to sit quietly and breath deeply is one of the best stress reduction techniques available.

Exodus 35:1-3

Moses assembled all the congregation of the people of Israel and said to them, "These are the things that the Lord has commanded you to do. Six days work shall be done, but on the seventh day you shall have a Sabbath of solemn rest, holy to the Lord. Whoever does any work on it shall be put to death. You shall kindle no fire in all your dwelling places on the Sabbath day."

Words and phrases that stand out to me: SIX DAYS WORK SHALL BE DONE, SOLOMN REST, KINDLE NO FIRE

Of course we've read that many times before by now. Six days for all the work to be done so the seventh can be solemn rest.

Leviticus 24:5-9

"You shall take fine flour and bake twelve loaves from it; two tenths of an ephah shall be in each loaf. And you shall set them in two piles, six  in a pile, on the table of pure gold before the Lord. And you shall put pure frankincense on each pile, that it may go with the bread as a memorial portion as a food offering to the Lord. Every Sabbath day Aaron shall arrange it before the Lord regularly; it is from the people of Israel as a covenant forever. And it shall be for Aaron and his sons, and they shall eat it in a holy place, since it is for him a most holy portion out of the Lord's food offerings, a perpetual due."

Words and phrases that stand out to me: EVERY SABBATH DAY AARON SHALL ARRANGE IT BEFORE THE LORD REGULARLY

So this, to me, is the first example that things were happening in the tabernacle on the Sabbath day and that someone was doing something outside of their tent/dwelling.  

How will this all fit together? How will these two things be reconciled? And what will the New Testament say about all of this?

Until next time...

{Sanctify Them} The Sabbath - Part 1

I have been silent for a while. Struggling internally with some things. Still reading, still praying, still thinking... but wondering if all the talking I did about the values of sharing were correct. If I should be laying down my journey here.

Honestly, I haven't come to a full and purposeful conclusion. But I have had a few things I read that I wanted to share, but didn't make the time. And now I have a challenge I want to get down on paper and this, I think, is an excellent place to do that. So here goes.

This morning I received an e-mail from someone I met a few years ago at a Feast. They were a young couple with three young boys - it was their third Feast of Tabernacles and they were very excited to have brethren to meet with. Now, about three years later, they have announced they are leaving the Church of God because we do not follow God as we should. His main reasons are:

1. We should keep the Sabbath in our home - RESTING - instead of going through the effort to come together every Sabbath (that should be done the three times we are commanded to come before God - with all the travelling being done before the Sabbath begins).
2. We do not even know the name of God -YHVH - citing one place in one publication where we said "Jesus" is "salvation".
3. God has revealed to him the true Sabbatical year through tremendous blessings in 2008 (from Abib to Abib) and bad income, poor crops and the loss of a child in 2009 (punishments, he said, because he was not keeping the right year).

So today I am taking on the challenge of the Sabbath. And I know I will not get through this topic, but I want to start today by listing a few verses on the subject.

Genesis 2:1-3
Thus the heavens and the earth, and all the host of them, were finished. And on the seventh day God ended His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had done. Then God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, because in it He rested from all His work which God had created and made.

Words and phrases that stand out to me: BLESSED, SANCTIFIED, RESTED

Exodus 20:8-11
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work; you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.

Word and phrases that stand out to me: REMEMBER, KEEP IT HOLY, IN IT YOU SHALL DO NO WORK, HALLOWED

Exodus 31:12-18
And the Lord spoke to Moses, saying, "Speak also to the children of Israel, saying: 'Surely my Sabbaths you shall keep, for it is a sign between Me and you throughout your generations, that you may know that I am the Lord who sanctifies you. You shall keep the Sabbath, therefore, for it is holy to you. Everyone who profanes it shall surely be put to death; for whoever does any work on it, that person shall be cut off from among his people. Work shall be done for six days, but the seventh is the Sabbath of rest, holy to the Lord. Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death. Therefore the children of Israel shall keep the Sabbath, to observe the Sabbath throughout their generations as a perpetual covenant. it is a sign between Me and the children of Israel forever; for in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, and on the seventh day He rested and was refreshed.'" And when He had made an end of speaking with him on Mouth Sanai, He gave Moses two tablets of the Testimony, tablets of stone, written with the finger of God.

Word and phrases that stand out to me: YOU SHALL KEEP, IT IS A SIGN, THROUGHOUT YOUR GENERATIONS, SANCTIFIES YOU, IT IS HOLY TO YOU, PROFANES, WHOEVER DOES ANY WORK, KEEP THE SABBATH, OBSERVE THE SABBATH

Leviticus 26:2
You shall keep My Sabbaths and reverence My sanctuary: I am the Lord.

(One of the few guidelines in the blessings and cursings chapter - followed by many blessings and cursings).
Some of the blessings for following (the ones that I see we are most lacking)-
rain in its season
the land shall yield its produce
peace in the land
your enemies shall fall by the sword before you

Some of the curses for disobeying (the ones I see the most prevalent)-
wasting disease and fever (cancer among other things?)
those who hate you shall reign over you
you shall flee when no one pursues you
And AFTER THIS I will make your heavens like iron and your earth like bronze.
your strength shall be spent in vain
(and WOW there's a whole lot more that we have not yet seen...)

Words and phrases that stand out to me: REVERENCE MY SANCTUARY, I AM THE LORD

__________

I must be done for now. I have sick kids and lots of work to do before the day is done. So far, though, I see a common string of resting, being sanctified, remembering, keeping it, and reverencing. I see no mention yet of going to church on the Sabbath and I see no command to stay at your house either. And I see that those who profane it are doing a great wrong.

So how do we keep the Sabbath? What is considered work? Do I feel refreshed at the end of the Sabbath or even more tired? What about ministers and other church workers where the Sabbath is the day of hardest labor? How do we balance rest with serving the brethren? Some of these are rhetorical questions, but ones I'd like to solidify in my mind as I go along.

It's a serious subject and one I'll spend more time on in the coming days.

Here's some other scriptures I don't want to forget (among many others I plan on looking up)...

Isa 58
Luke 13:10-17, 14:1-6

{Sanctify Them} Agape

As usual, as soon as I say I'm going to do something life comes up and swallows me. Don't get me wrong - I have been reading and thinking to a certain extent every day, but I have lacked the time on the weekends to sit and be quiet and put everything in my head down on paper. But here I am - and I have a few minutes to put down a quick thought right now.

Reading in Zechariah, I came across this...

Then the word of the Lord came to Zechariah, saying, "Thus says the Lord of hosts; Execute true justice, show mercy and compassion everyone to his brother. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless. The alien or the poor. Let none of you plan evil in his heart against His brother."
Zechariah 7:8-10

This sure sounds a lot like John 15:12 - "This is My commandment; that you love one another as I have loved you."

How are we doing with that? From where I sit the churches of God have done an awesome job with the truth. We all know the Sabbath, we all know the Holy Days, we all know the God Family, we all know the Gospel... and we all know that God has sheep in many folds... but do we really accept that? Do we grasp those sheep no matter where they are in love? In mercy and compassion? Do we talk about reconciliation and forgiveness within our walls but then refuse to extend it to brethren in another fellowship down the street?

This is a dangerous road to follow. God continues to tell the story in Zechariah...

"But they refused to heed, shrugged their shoulders, and stopped their ears so that they could not hear. Yes, they made their hearts like flint, refusing to hear the law and the words which the Lord of hosts had sent by His Spirit through the former prophets. Thus great wrath came from the Lord of hosts. Therefore it happened, that just as He proclaimed and they would not hear, so they called out and I would not listen." says the Lord of hosts.
Zechariah 7:11-13

Israel refused to heed God's word when they were told to show mercy and compassion everyone to his brother. How could a people be so cruel? So hurtful? So spiteful?

Do we really want to live this out again? Do we really want to emulate this kind of brotherhood? This is not of God. This is dissention. This brings heartache and chaos. This is from desires of the flesh and a heart of stone.

But God desires to change our hearts, and He can! But we must let Him.

I wish I had time to expand more on this... more scriptures that talk about turning our hearts from stone to flesh. More scriptures on loving our brother and showing mercy and all the times Jesus Himself did this (what would we think if He spent a week with the head of Worldwide Church of God, as it is today? -- and I'm NOT saying that Worldwide has remained true and will be blameless... but neither was the woman at the well, the tax collectors, Mary Magdalene, need I go on?). More scriptures of all of it. Truth. Life. A breath of fresh air.

He went on for one more paragraph that I'd also like to explore further somewhere down the road...

"But I scattered them with a whirlwind among all the nations which they had not known. Thus the land became desolate after them, so that no one passed through or returned for they made the pleasant land desolate."
Zechariah 7:14

He scattered them with a whirlwind. The whirlwind was the Babylonian army coming through and trampling their way of life. Bringing the city to ruins and slaughtering their people. pillaging their wealth and desecrating the temple. Bringing desolation to the whole country and tearing the survivors from their homeland to bring them into captivity. Perhaps God has a lot of different types of whirlwinds, or perhaps my memory is failing me... but isn't there something about whirlwinds in prophecies about end times? Something else for me to research. The Greek. The verses. So much to think about.

But one thing is clear - Love. Mercy. Compassion. Let none of you plan evil in your heart against your brother. And do not turn from this message with a shrug of your shoulder and your fingers in your ears.

Listen.
This is God talking.

The same God whom we say we honor every Sabbath, the same God who has shown us His mercy and compassion every day. I'm going to learn from Zechariah. It is time to breath true love back into the family of God.

My Legacy

Some may wonder what I'm doing.

I mean, putting my whole life out in the open is scary. It's a vulnerable place to be. It's open to ridicule or, worse yet, rejection.

But if I stay in my own mind, there are some major drawbacks. Or, putting it in a positive way, using this blog in this way will provide me with some very large benefits - and I hope in the process to be a benefit to others as well.

1. In my 30 years, I have learned that I need accountability. God knew what He was doing when He blessed me with a strong man to lead me. Having my growth in the open provides plenty of accountability.
2. My mind is a very scattered thing in this phase of life. I very rarely have the ability to put my thoughts down in a way that makes sense. Having this type of outlet gives me that drive, helps me think in terms of posts, and gives me the subtle pressure to make a post for others to read - and therefore make the time to think deeply in the process.
3. I am a writer. I have a friend who wrote that recently on her blog (along with a mourning that she hadn't written as much as she would have liked that year) and it resonated deeply with me. I also am a writer.
4. Another benefit to me is that I am also a sharer. I like to be open. I like to share. I know in ancient times I may have been considered forward and opinionated. And so I am. But in sharing my opinions, every once in a while I'm cuffed. And although that hurts at the time I have learned a lot about myself, about others, and about communication. *Disclaimer: I am not inviting all people to "cuff" me. But I am thankful for those who know my heart and who are close enough to me to gently let me know when I've crossed a line.
5. I strongly believe that there is someone out there that needs my honesty. Well, not my honesty per se, but someone's honesty. Someone needs to know that being a true Christian is hard. Being a mom of littles is hard. Going through both of those things together is hard! Balancing the day-to-day chores with the training of children in the ways of God while taking care of your own spiritual, physical and emotional needs is hard.

For years I have shut down when things get hard. I turn to things that don't matter. I spend hours on Facebook telling myself I'm building and maintaining lasting relationships. But in reality I was pushing off the most important job I have ever been given. I was saying, "I don't know what to do to help you grow through this difficulty. And so since I'm afraid of failing, I'm not going to try. Go figure it out yourself and if you don't become a functioning adult, it's you're own fault." Wow. Really?!

My name is Mandie.
I am a Facebookaholic.

I've actually gotten off of it... 90%. I still have my account. I'm dragging my feet so I can still see what people are up to... every once in a while. But my 700 friends are slimmed down to 35, and my time on there has diminished to checking it every few days. In fact, I'm at a place where I think, "why CAN'T I keep it? I'm being responsible now!" But no... that's my 'Facebookaholic' talking. I can't keep it. I shouldn't be keeping it now. My life is so much better with the 90% I have recovered. Surely that 10% more would bless me that much more.

What does this have to do with my legacy? Well, everything.

I've been reading a book called A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23. I'm not sure whether I should suggest it or not... it's a very good book when it comes to how we are sheep under Christ's care. However, the author is a believer in the trinity. So if you are not well studied and firm in your belief of what the God-family is, I would not suggest you read it at this time.

However, in the second to last chapter he is talking about "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life." He points out that this is up to US. Goodness and mercy should be byproducts of a life lived by God's word. As such, he asks these questions...

"Do I leave a trail of sadness or of gladness behind?
Is my memory, in other people's minds, entwined with mercy and goodness, or would they rather forget me altogether?
Do I deposit a blessing behind me, or am I a bane to others? Is my life a pleasure to people or a pain?
In Isaiah 52:7 we read, 'How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of [them] that bringeth good tidings, that publisheth peace. . . .'
Sometimes it is profitable to ask ourselves such simple questions as:
'Do I leave behind peace in lives -- or turmoil?'
'Do I leave behind forgiveness -- or bitterness?'
'Do I leave behind contentment -- or conflict?'
'Do I leave behind flowers of joy -- or frustration?'
'Do I leave behind love -- or rancor?'
Some people leave such a sorry mess behind them wherever they go that they prefer to cover their tracks.
For the child of God, the one under the Shepherd's care, there should never be any sense of shame or fear in going back to where they have lived or been before. Why? Because they have left a legacy of uplift, encouragement, and inspiration to others." (p. 131-132)

At the same time, this Sabbath we had a sermon by Mr. Swagerty that asked similar questions...

He said there is a balance in all things and to remember that is to do well. But the focus of our lives needs to be God. Am I too busy
1) trying to further, maintain or better my families comfort?
2) increase my consumption of this world's goods?
3) find my 15 minutes of fame?
(yes, yes, yes)
Or am I trying to keep my mind on things above?
"Set your mind on things above, not on the things that are on the earth." Colossians 3:2

All this got me thinking about my legacy. What do I want to leave my kids?

I want to leave them a strong foundation of faithfulness. I want to leave them an example of a life given to God. A life of hope and a life of compassion. A life of forgiveness and a life of joy.

And I know all of that comes with struggle. Only with struggle. Because my carnality wants other things, things that don't belong with God's spirit.

So why am I writing all of this? Why am I making a public example of myself?

Because I feel I am not alone.
Because I think if I open myself up someone else will be brave enough to struggle with me.
Because I hope this is a way I can help our broken generation.
Because I know the words I leave here will bless my children.
Because I want a record of where I've been so I can see the ornate tapestry God is making with my life.
Because...
Because the struggle is a beautiful thing when all is said and done no matter how messy it is in the present time.

Don't we all gain insight and help seeing the struggles of King David, Paul, Moses and Esther? I'm not proud of what I may write, but it's where I am. It's only a milestone, a snapshot, on my journey.

And I want to be here for it all. Focusing. Concentrating. Studying. Meditating. Worshiping.
Leaving my legacy.

{Sanctify Them} - A New Series

Naming a new journey is a hard thing. Choosing a name that is meaningful, something that will convey the desire, the purpose, the goal and consist of two or three words is a special challenge. Words that make sense to me, and to someone who doesn't know what this is about. One that isn't misleading in it's first glance.

Here are all the names that I liked for one reason or another, with my top three asterisked:

Test All Things - 1 Thessalonians 5:21
Running My Race - 1 Corinthians 9:24-27
Secure My Crown - James 1:12
With Joy - 1 Peter 5:13
A Sure Foundation - Matthew 7:24-27
*Sanctify Them - John 17:17
Help My Unbelief - Mark 9:24
*Renewed in the Spirit - Ephesians 4:23
Created According to God - Ephesians 4:24
Sealed for the day - Ephesians 4:30
Well Done - Matthew 25:23
*Good and Faithful Servant - Matthew 25:23
Pure Milk - 1 Peter 2:1-3
He Who Overcomes - Revelation 2-3
Faithful Until Death - Revelation 2:10
Hold Fast - Revelation 2:25
Strengthen What Remains - Revelation 3:2
He Who Has an Ear - Revelation 2-3

I've also been moved by this passage for the past few months. I remember posting something about it on Facebook, which was pretty much ignored by my 700+ friends. I don't know... it seems as though I post something cute about the kids and everyone is all over it. Post something that I'm truly thinking about and it's left alone. Sidenote: Of my 700+ friends, at least 675 were church people from many different COGs.

There is a generation that curses its father,
And does not bless its mother.
There is a generation that is pure in its own eyes,
Yet is not washed from its filthiness.
There is a generation-- oh, how lofty are their eyes!
And their eyelids are lifted up.
Proverbs 30:11-13

These verses spoke to me. I see "self-confidence" and "everyone wins" and "believe in yourself", "follow your heart", "you deserve this", etc. etc. etc. It's all around. It's everywhere. Living in this world is an emersion experiment of self-me-I. In America especially since I was in school we seem to be specializing in, "You can do anything you set your mind to! Now go do it!!!" (while mumbling in a very fast disclaimer at the bottom of the screen "please ignore the fact your child was passed from grade to grade whether or not he/she could read, write, and do arithmetic to the desired levels. We just want them out of our system so they no longer drag down our testing scores because after all that's what really matters. GO GET 'EM SON!") As a result my generation and below has been instilled with a disdain for older people. We have been unequipped to handle real life. We think we know everything and that we can do anything. And yet most of us are too lazy to do hard work, or better yet, too full of ourselves to start in an entry level position. My generation is this generation.

And we are in trouble.

Add to that, in my case, the calling God has given me and I have the opportunity to keep the status quo, or to overcome and soar.

I want to overcome. Overcome my American brainwashing. My laziness. My pride. My pain. My shortcomings. My culture. My desires. Me.

Alright God - I have prayed for you to cut gently. I have laid out some foundations of where I'm beginning. I'm ready to go. Help me cling to You. Help me keep to the trunk of the tree. Guide me to good resources - people, words and ideas that your spirit has strengthened. Keep me close. Help me. Sanctify me by Your truth - Your word is truth.

Renewing myself daily,
Mandie

A Time For Every Purpose Under Heaven

I did something I probably shouldn't have today.

I can't even tell you how I got started.

It came out of nowhere - a webpage that a true Church member should never be on. It wasn't edifying. In fact, it was downright sarcastic, offensive, and blasphemous.

Maybe I shouldn't even list it here. It's probably not even worth mentioning. Let's just say it was one of the many sites that people have set up to watch, comment on, and criticize the Churches of God at large. This particular fellow has chosen to refer to all of us as "cults" and uses the term "Armstrongism" as though it was a bad word.

Now, I've never given much credence to these people and I'm not sure why I stayed on his site for so long. Perhaps it was sheer curiosity what he said about the various churches. He seemed to be fairly spot on when pointing out the faults of UCG as an organization and since I've never taken the time to compare and contrast the hundreds of splinter groups I figured I'd probably gain a bit of insight into some.

He spent a lot of time referencing last week's letter from UCG's president, Mr. Kubik, where he called a church wide fast for unity and a closer relationship to God. He talked about how, in his opinion, this was going to be Mr. Kubik's first step to slowly introducing doctrine changes. To the author, this was a good thing... after all, every single splinter group is stagnant when it comes to numbers. At best all we can do is cannibalize each other and steal members from one organization or another. And his thesis is that if we can give up the archaic competitive edge that worked in the 50s but isn't working now, perhaps then we could finally enjoy a larger and more user friendly church culture. Then again, he says that's what they tried in '95 and have since found that being a hybrid (not pure and yet not mainstream) is no better when it comes to cold, hard numbers.

I certainly did agree with his assessment on what a mess the Church was in. What I absolutely could not agree with was his take on why our numbers are so low, and not growing. It is not the message. That message is God's word and the only truth humans can cling to for life. Changing that message will do no good. Yes it is a very sad reality that the Church of God is spread not only over the whole earth but over so many small groups that we can not know how many there really are in any given place. It truly saddens me when I realize I could be standing behind a Church member in the supermarket checkout line and never know because they go to LCG, CGG, COGwa, ICG, CGI... etc. But that also is not the fault of the message.

Just because humans are a mess does not mean God is.
Just because we can't figure out unity doesn't mean God can't.
Just because Job was beaten down and his thoughts were scattered to the winds, that didn't mean he sat down on his ash heap and blasphemed God. So it is with His true Church.

No, bad things can happen to God's people and if this is as bad as it's going to get during my life time, I consider myself truly blessed.

The point I'm trying to get to is that reading this man's thoughts made me realize that I, as a second generation Christian, MUST take the time to prove all things. It is time for me to KNOW I KNOW that people like this man have no leg to stand on. It is time for me to KNOW I KNOW  that what I have given my life to is indeed right where I need to be. IT IS TIME. I have been blessed to grow up in the Church. I was baptized by 19, married by 21, and a mother to a child who received the Blessing of the Little Children by 26. I am now mother to three children who look to me for answers. The wife of a man who is strong in his faith.

I'm strong too - so strong in my faith that I have never truly questioned what that faith is based on. Some might call it blind faith. And perhaps they would be right. No more. It is time.

So I realized I'm now 30-something. I don't have any other religious background to compare the Truth to. I also don't have any reason to not believe what I do. But looking ahead to my 40s I see a scary time of life coming. It seems to me that people in their 40s get shaken. I'm not sure why, I'm not sure by who, I'm not sure how. Perhaps those answers are different for every person. But I'm willing to bet for me that shaking is going to come as serious, serious questions about my faith IF I don't prove it now. And so, I'm going to start on a journey. One that's necessary as a second-generation Christian. One that's hard as a second-generation Christian because I'm supposed to "know" everything already. I'm supposed to have all faith because it's my heritage. I'm supposed to somehow have had an "aha" moment like my first-generation counterparts. Second-generation Christians are so very different and backward from their trail-blazing families in so many ways. Our journey is so backward.

It's a journey that first-generation Christians will look at and judge me for. Please season your words with grace.
It's a journey that others might think is lacking in faith. Please give me room to say, "I believe. Help my unbelief!"
It's a journey that some may think is too raw. Please let me share my honesty.

It's a journey that, I believe, every second-generation Christian is going to have to come to at one point or another to gain the strength to finish the race and secure their crown. And I pray that through my journey someone else is blessed with the courage to begin it. To be raw, to be real, and to live their faith.

Enjoy a song to get you ready to come with me on my journey. Have a restful Sabbath.

Another Day

Today is one of those days when I can make or break it. I can choose to make it miserable for all those around me, or I can step up in grace and faith that God wants me to succeed and He is with me to that end.

Here are my complaints-

1. My poor baby was up solid until 2:15... then slept fitfully until 5:30am when I was finally able to put him in his crib for an hour. I had my husband get him then.
2. I've been coming down with a cold for days, and after a night of *ahem* rest? It's working on becoming a full-blown, no good, very bad cold.
3. Joshua is on day 3 of potty training and he has yet to actually do anything other than pee on himself and everything around him.

Here is what I am going to choose to focus on instead-

1. I was up because my baby is getting bigger. Teething is such a temporary problem and its one that will slip away along with my cuddly little baby. I will embrace the cuddles, and extend help as I can for the teething.
2. God has truly blessed me with health these past couple years. As my life has been tossed about with moving, new babies, and interpersonal struggles God has kept my health in tact... something I don't take lightly as I watch friends my age battle cancer, infections and back problems. As I have watched children my own kids' age fight cancer themselves, deal with debilitating mental disorders, and two precious girls become orphans. A cold, I can deal with. A cold, I can do.
3. As I have told many other mothers this is truly a phase. Potty training won't last forever and someday soon (in the scheme of things) he will be an independent potty-goer just as someday he will be a driver, a graduate, a husband, a father himself.

Ok. In my endeavor to get my thoughts and intentions straight I have has the nerve to use the computer, which the kids are frustrated with. And so for my final key to a peaceful day, I'm putting down the computer until tonight. Lest today be like yesterday with kids in my face just to get my attention. I don't want to see this all day because of my own attempts to escape.

 

So on to a better day. One of choices that are made on purpose. One of love and laughter. One of blessings.

 

May you also have a blessed day.

The Tsunami of my Heart

Yesterday before church I was blessed with some time all to myself.

What I really needed was some time to reconnect with God. I felt like a piece of spaghetti being held up in the wind, tossing all over the place and not able to just be still. In classic form, the Mandie I'm trying to stop chose to watch a random video that came up on YouTube before cracking open my Bible. That day being the Sabbath, I knew something comical wasn't the order of the day. So I chose something based on a disaster.

I thought it would be a quick 10 minute video showing how a tsunami came in. Maybe the one in Japan. I had seen a few of those before. It was slow and easy, and deceptively quickly became a force that could not be controlled or helped. But about 2 minutes into this particular video I realized this was actually a well done documentary on the devastating tsunami of 2004. I have almost no memory of this happening. I was a relative newlywed, very self-involved and unaware of the world, and enjoying my own sense of invincibility.

It was unlike anything I had ever seen before. The individual stories they followed. The footage they caught. The screams. The death. They showed the death like no news station ever has, or would, because of the "damage" it could do to people. It was stunning, overwhelming, heartbreaking, exhausting, gut-wrenching reality. It was heavy stuff.


picture taken from http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&docid=LlTBlhy3URajYM&tbnid=4kkkMFJhvRooAM:&ved=0CAQQjB0&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.express.co.uk%2Fnews%2Fuk%2F298%2FBoxing-Day-tsunami-The-aftermath&ei=0v_bUqKHIcWD2AWu2oHIBg&bvm=bv.59568121,d.b2I&psig=AFQjCNHK3LgzpaL4V85wGdDG9nsyCwpT1A&ust=1390235911469608

About 5 parts in (50 minutes total), I remembered this was actually Sabbath morning and I had only a short time left before needing to go out and help get my three young children ready for church. I pulled myself out of the story flow and immediately realized I had squandered all the time I could have been peacefully studying the Bible with watching this incredible story unfold and laying the heaviness of God's power and wrath over my new found inadequacy and realization of how little control I have over anything of value.

The story of the woman who had three children and afterwards was clutching one, explaining to her husband in tears that she couldn't physically hold them all.
The story of the other woman running up the beach as her husband was filming the coming water yelling, "I can't do it! I can't carry them both!" (meaning her children)
The story of another woman who only had one - a daughter with blonde hair who was just 5 years old. And how she tried to hold on but somehow after it all, her daughter was gone.

As I envision my own three beautiful kids and consider all the reasons we should or should not have a fourth someday I entertain the thought that maybe three is enough to manage in a disaster. And then I realize watching this that it doesn't matter. One can be taken just as easily as four. Four can be saved just as easily as one. I have no control over outcomes. Only control over choices.

After I realized the time and that I hadn't even opened my Bible as I cried for these people and my own lack of control (and cried out for faith) I flipped it open. It randomly opened in Jeremiah, but I already had something in Revelation about the end times in mind so I start over that way, keeping my hand in Jeremiah. A couple seconds in I wonder and head back to where my hand is and see "The People Mourn in Judgment". I read...

Thus says the Lord of Hosts:

"Consider and call for the mourning women.
That they may come;
And send for skillful wailing women,
That they may come.
Let them make haste and take up a wailing for us,
That our eyes may run with tears,
And our eyelids gush with water.
For a voice of wailing is heard from Zion:
`How we are plundered!
We are greatly ashamed, because we have forsaken the land,
Because we have been cast out of our dwellings.`"

Yet hear the word of the Lord, O women,
And let your ear receive the word of His mouth;
Teach your daughters wailing,
And everyone her neighbor a lamentation.
For death has come through our windows,
Has entered our palaces,
To kill off the children--
no longer to be outside!
And the young men--
no longer on the streets!

Speak, "Thus says the lord:

`Even the carcasses of men shall fall as refuse on the open field,
Like cuttings after the harvester,
And no one shall gather them.`"

Thus says the Lord:

"Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom.
Let not the mighty man glory in his might,
Nor let the rich man glory in his riches;
But let him who glories glory in this,
That he understands and knows Me,
That I m the Lord, exercising lovingkindness,
judgment, and righteousness in the earth.
For in these I delight," says the Lord.

"Behold, the days are coming," says the Lord, "that I will punish all who are circumcised with the uncircumcised-- Egypt, Judah, Edom, the people of Ammon, Moab, and all who are in the farthest corners, who dwell in the wilderness. For all these nations re uncircumcised, and all the house of Israel are uncircumcised in the heart."

Jeremiah 9:17-26
(emphasis mine all the way through)

I'm telling you - stopping where I stopped (right as the waters started to recede and thoughts moved toward cleanup) and reading that... it was a bit like a bucket of cold water being thrown in my face. Or perhaps even a slap across my face. ALL the house of Israel are uncircumcised in the heart... I will punish the circumcised with the uncircumcised... All the house of Israel... uncircumcised in the heart...

I've heard a couple messages on this topic recently. I know I have. This phase of life is so hard. Everything is such a fog. But this is deep - important - relevant. This is now - immediate - urgent. This is hard - challenging - bigger than me. This is an assignment that I can either push to the side with the rest of life that is too hard to face, or take head on and grow into a whole new chapter of my life. One where God is front and center. This is a process where my heart is going to be trimmed. Trimmed of all the excess as a sign between God and me.

Oh God, be merciful as you cut away. Please, please be gentle. And help me to yield those parts You take willingly instead of grasping at them with my human stubbornness. Father, it's scary to say, "yes". Life can get hard fast. Help me to resist the temptation to set parameters up for You to work in - like not using my children, my husband, my safety to do the cutting. It's so hard to give You all control. But You have it anyway. Help me. Help me. Father, I believe. Help my unbelief.

If you are interested in walking the mental path I walked, here is a link to the full movie. PLEASE be advised - this has nudity, destruction and death. It's absolutely not to be taken lightly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikq0P7U0x4Q

God be with you all. And may we all be given the gift of life more abundant.

Turn Neither to the Left or to the Right

Today is a beautiful, snowy day. A beautiful, snowy, challenging day.

I love winter. I really do. I don't mind the cold so long as it's beautiful and white outside - and it is. So why am I not happy? Why do I feel like I might throw a shoe? Or stomp my foot? Or say something that isn't loving to those I love the most?

My life is hard. I'm in the final few days before my oldest's birthday. The final days of being able to say, "I am a mother of three beautiful children ages four and under." Wow that sounds impressive - impressively hard. If anyone else said that, I'd think they had their hands full! (A phrase I hear every time we set foot outside our door). Yet in my own life I'm just now realizing that yes... it is impressively hard. And that's ok. It's ok to have a challenging life. That's what God wants for us. Because if life was a bed of roses, where would the character come from? How can conviction and hope for a better tomorrow burn brightly in our lives if we are already perfected?

Today we were blessed with an outing that was actually quite nice. Loading up the kids after it, however, was exceptionally difficult. I can very easily identify the issues - my oldest is flexing her almost 5 year old muscles and pushing every boundary we have set up. My middle loves to fake deafness. It's like a sport with him. And my youngest is... well... a baby, and as such is absolutely dependent on me for every one of his needs. Add snow, a restaurant and impending naptime to the mix and the potential for disaster is definitely there. But what is the underlying problem? What is it about ME that makes these things incredibly hard to attend to with a positive attitude and a godly outlook on the big picture? After all - having coats zipped up and hats on straight does not secure my place in the Kingdom of God. But my belittling the kids or pulling them along when they are going soooooooooooo sloooooooooooow is an attitude, and a choice, that could. And so I start the drive home in tears. Wondering how I could have kept my patience. Wondering how I should have responded when I found out the kids went around the back of the car, putting themselves in danger. Wondering how to help my oldest understand that I am the momma, and that means when I say come that means come. Wondering... wondering...

And as I navigate the roads I notice the tracks. The narrow place that has been made safe, less slick, by people reliably travelling over it before. Turn to the right or to the left, even just a smidge, and you're taking a risk. You've lost traction. I realize I have a choice. There are proven ways that have been used and followed by God's people. And if I veer to the left or to the right, I might find myself in a very unstable place. I could slip, I could slide, I could even crash. Crashing does a lot of things. It causes bodily harm. Stress. Anxiety. It costs something to fix everything as it was. It steals time from everyone involved in it. Crashing is not good. It's not helpful. There's nothing true or noble or just or praiseworthy about it. Yet I have crashed almost daily with those tiny, infuriating, innocent people God gave me to raise in His image.

Perhaps the answer is vey simple. It usually is when dealing with God's way. And I have a sneaky suspicion I know it. It's been stewing in the back of my mind when I have one more cookie. When I stay up just a little longer. When I feel my frustration level rising unchecked.

Self-control.

Beautiful, wonderful, free-for-the-taking self-control. Against such there is no law! I have known the fruits of the spirit for a long time, but I was shocked the other day when reading through them again and realizing self-control is right there with them. What?! It's something I have freely accessible to me just by asking my heavenly Father?!? Amazing!!! Amazing.

Of course this is just a theory at this point. I'm definitely a work in progress. But I'm willing to give it a shot. I'm willing to claim the fruit of self-control that God says I can grow with His spirit dwelling in me. It's time to bring the ability to control my actions into a place of accountability.

I have to.
For the little girl who's sitting as close to her mommy as I will allow while I try to muster enough courage to finish the day.

I have to.
For my boys who innocently shower me with love.
For my husband who supports me wholeheartedly.
For my God who believed in me enough to entrust me with my three beautiful blessings, and who wants to give me good things. Like life more abundant.

I have to.
For myself.